Super Human Power?

So I’m going to be honest here….I talk to my cancer in my head likes it’s a real live person.  More like my arch-enemy or nemesis.  Guess I can be PC Girl (Pregnant Cancer Girl for those that are slower) with my pink cape on….

I started out pretty pathetic when it came to my super-hero fighting ability against this thing.  I let my fear get the best of me numerous times.  But one of the biggest fears I encountered was chemo.  I have a love-hate relationship with chemo.  I wanted it so badly to start, yet it freaked the crap out of me to start it.  This is rightfully so.  I mean they make you go to a 1 hour long class just to hear about all the scary side effects.  They range from extreme nausea, terrible muscle cramps, sores that coat your entire mouth, fatigue so bad you can’t fix your bed (true story, it was on the video), and even your finger nails falling off.  The night before I got my first treatment I took it upon myself to learn more about what I could expect.  I went on some cancer blogs and read some internet message boards.  I can now say that that was a dumb idea.  Don’t do it if you are in my shoes…it doesn’t help!  It just freaked me out worse.  Those that post typically just want a place to bitch.  Needless to say, I didn’t sleep the night before chemo.

They nickname it the “Chemo Lounge”.  Oh how they try to make it seem so inviting and comfortable!  The chairs look like you could sit down and get a pedicure in them.  There are snacks and big TVs.  And yet, this is still the least inviting place I have come by.   I tried hard to not show my overwhelming anxiety as we walked in.   You’ll have to ask my mom and Ben if I did a good job concealing that.  They have to hook me up to the IV that they will be administering my drugs through.  I had a portacath placed in my chest a couple days before that hooks up to my main artery- this is what they hook the IV to.  It pumps the chemo right to my heart.  Getting it inserted was not fun.  There was an 80 year old man at chemo class that said it was a breeze.  I don’t know what he was smoking but that was not my experience.  Maybe it’s different when you have lots of hangy skin around there!

They first pump you with some anti-nausea meds that are comprised of some type of steroid.  If I’m Batman this is my Robin.  They are my first line of defense against the awful side effects from the chemo.  They work wonders and I’m very happy that I’m going through this in the era of advanced medicine- they’ve come along way with these.  They also provide their own set of side effects but nothing too bad.  Next comes the Adriamycin – the “Red Devil”.  They have to slowly insert it with a syringe.  It’s red so they can see if it accidentally spills out of the vein or port.  That would be a very bad thing you see because it kills any tissues it comes in contact with.  Really?  I can’t believe this stuff is ok for my baby!  (I do the research again and yes there are studies that confirm this).  Next comes the Cytoxan.  This can burn your sinuses when being administered and leave a metal taste in your mouth.  I didn’t experience either but I could feel it pumping in my veins which completely gave me the heebie-jeebies!  And that’s it.  It takes about 2 hours to complete….now you sit back and wait.   

And of course I waited for the worst. 

I should have known…the chemo wasn’t what I had to worry about.  The steroids would be the thing to do me in.  That night I felt like I could jump out of bed any second and do 100 jumping jacks.  I didn’t sleep a wink.  I also felt like there was not enough water in the world to ever subside my thirst.  Which as you can imagine turned into its own problem; I was up constantly to use the bathroom.  The next day I felt great. I was thrilled.  I went to the gym and had to actually slow myself down on the treadmill.  I’m sure this was the steroids but hey, I’ll take it.  I found myself yelling at Cancer in my head- I’ll admit I may have used some obscenities and lots of trash talk (pulled what we now can call the “Sherman”…ok no, I wasn’t that bad).   My run was exhilarating.  Talk about a runner’s high.  Two days before and I would have never thought I would be doing this….running after chemo, pregnant…cool!   While running, I started to think about how important it is for me to stay strong, not just for myself but for my baby.  We are in this together.  This motivates me even more.  I will come here and get this internal pep talk every day (and talk smack to Cancer) until I physically cannot do it anymore; this is important to my fight.  Running that day was a small victory.  I still get to do what I love, even if it’s just for now.  I feel strong. I gained back some control.  The evil Cancer can’t take it all….Athena: 1, Cancer: 0. 

It’s now been 2 weeks since my first treatment.  I have had minimal side effects.  I get some nasty headaches early in the morning and late at night.  I wonder if this is my body telling me I’m fatigued.  What is fatigue?  I’ve never really had it….this word has never been in my vocabulary.  It scares me because I am constantly doing something.  I don’t want to lie down and be sick.  “I’ve got things to do!”  Headaches, slight fatigue, cotton mouth, constant bathroom breaks, inability to get a good night’s sleep…and of course…chemo pimples!  (Almost sounds like a hangover to me!) That’s about it.  I can’t complain.  I have to give props to all the prayers, God, my healthy lifestyle, and my baby.  I believe the baby gives me my appetite.  If it’s anything like its father this is something it can easily contribute to.  In my head I work to not focus on these side effects….again, this is something I can control.  In order to not give Cancer any of the credit I simply tell myself this is all part of a normal pregnancy….Athena: 2, Cancer: 0.

So now that I have you all believing in my Super Human Power and ability to kick some Cancer-you-know-what (sorry, no swearing, gotta keep this PG, my kid’s going to read this someday)… I have to be honest, there is nothing super about it.  It is not all positive thinking, rainbows, and gumdrops that float around in my head.  As I mentioned in the beginning I rather not reflect or talk about the negatives.  There are enough blogs that do that out there.  Yes, I agree you need to address some of it and I will.  I don’t avoid it or live in denial.  Yesterday was particularly a really tough day.  My hair started falling out, my blood work came back and my white blood cell count has tanked to a serious low, and at the gym I felt extremely out of breath.  There are many times death creeps back into my head, I will admit it.  It should.  I need to respect my opponent to fight it.  This disease is not pretty.  It kills.  You can think you get it all and then it sneaks back in….Stage 4…that’s scary.  But, why allow it to steal my thunder.  Whether I have a couple days, a couple years, or a long lifetime- Cancer does not deserve to own my thoughts or my day.  What I think and what I allow myself to believe is yet again what I have control over….Athena: 3, Cancer: 0. 

     Bump #1:  this is the port that will save my veins from being poked too much.  It grosses me out and I hate to touch it!

    Bump #2:  Everyone's been asking so here it is.  This is the 1st picture taken of my baby bump (18 weeks!)  and the last picture to be taken with my own hair.  I told myself I would never do this pose but we wanted to accentuate "the bump".  Thank you to my beautiful and talented friend, Hilary Handahl, for taking these!

My Diagnosis

So everyone has to talk about how it felt to hear it. How it feels to forever have your life taken, turned upside down, and shaken over and over again. Take every moment you've ever felt worried, nervous, excited, bottle it up and that's the feeling. Your first junior high dance, waking up and noticing you have 30 minutes to get to your final college exam, your first day on your "big girl" job, your dad's surgery, giving your first presentation to a board of directors, walking down the aisle.  It's true...you lose your breath, you shake, your heart goes nuts, you don't think anything for a moment and then death rushes to your mind. I imagine this is the same in every grief-on-set moment. I remember wanting nothing more than to feel safe and in my mind trying to figure out how to run and hide or find someone that could help me at that very moment. I wanted to turn back time and change what I just heard.  I wanted to gain back my control. I wouldn't let the nurse hang up for fear that I would need her to call an ambulance. I remember that the plumber was at our house and I for some crazy reason felt better that at least he was there to resuscitate me if needed!  I hung up and immediately thought about our baby.  I had already done the research. I knew that I could fight the cancer while pregnant and not hurt the baby.  But at this point I was so scared that my current state of pure and utter nuttiness would surely cause harm to the baby in itself.  After I hung up I called my husband.  I felt bad telling him, sad that I was ruining his day, and that I was being insensitive because I didn’t tell him in some fancy way.  I just blurted out “you need to come home because I have cancer!”.

Unfortunately, we had to wait the weekend to hear any more information.  That was pure HELL.  Thank God my family came up to help keep my mind off of it.  I went through many stages of disbelief, anger, sadness, self-pity, and fear.  Ben and I would wake up in the morning look at each other and start crying.  It was a very tough weekend- but we got through it.

The next week I gained what I needed:  information and a PLAN! Having a plan felt like I could take back a little bit of control.  A lot of people I talk to and read about talk about the loss of control from cancer.  It is one of the toughest parts about it.  You did nothing to get this, you can do nothing to change that you were diagnosed with it.    

So here’s what they told me.  I had a bad day in the cell-making business one day.  Turns out many of us do- microscopic cancer cells are created in everyone’s body at some point.  But mine grew for whatever reason.  The stars aligned and at some given point when my immune system was down, it grew.   During pregnancy your immune system lowers and your body tells it to let things grow and cells to multiply…because that’s what’s happening to the baby.  It can’t distinguish between a cancerous tumor and an embryo.  Also, I was one big walking hormone at this point.  My tumor is estrogen positive so it was if the pregnancy was fighting against me…kind of like Bella on Twilight (I know, dumb, but some of my friends will like that reference!).   Being pregnant with cancer means I have a very aggressive cancer.  The worst grade- 3/3, that’s how it read on my pathology report.  This is apparently quite common for Pregnancy Associated Breast Cancer (PABC).  I was given a clinical stage of 2- with one known lymph node infected.  They can’t be certain how much further it has spread because it is too risky to run the other tests while pregnant but he thinks it is "contained in these 2 areas".  

My treatment is 4 cycles of what is known in Cancer World as the “Red Devil” or “AC cocktail”.  A mix of Adriamycin and Cytoxan once every 21 days (I remember the “C” one because it sounds like “toxin”).  Then I start Taxol, another form of chemo, for 12 weeks, administered every week.  My team of doctors will work together to come up with a plan as to when they will induce me.  They'll take the baby somewhat early. We are looking at somewhere around 37-38 weeks.  We need to be careful and have it nicely planned (I like that) making sure the baby is growing as it should and ready.  I will have a very small break from the chemo to make sure Baby K and I are strong and ensure my platelets are high enough before I give birth.  They absolutely want a natural birth so that I can begin chemo treatment right away after.  My surgery will come after that.  We are to discuss my options later.  They are doing chemo first because the surgery would be more risky to the baby and because we want to stop the spreading of cancer dead in its tracks.  We already know that it is as far as one lymph node.  After the surgery and 16 treatments we will hope I'm in remission....no, no, no...I WILL be in remission (positive affirmation people!).  Then starts an anti-estrogen pill for 10 years.  This basically puts me into a menopausal state (awesome!) but this will be my best friend.  It helps ward off the recurrence of cancer.  When cancer comes back it usually comes back with a vengeance.   It's probably every cancer survivor's nightmare.  I have an amazing team of doctors and an even better team of Prayer Warriors on my side!  Thank you all so much for the thoughts, gifts, notes of encouragement, and prayers!  So begins the fight….

 

The Lump

First, have I mentioned how much I hate blogs? Really, I'm kidding. Since I was diagnosed I've read a lot of blogs that have helped me....and to be honest some that haven't. I just hate that I'm blog-illiterate. I spent about 3 hours last night making this very simple page. I ended up giving up and did most of the formatting on my never-fail application, Power Point. One of the many applications I live in for work. Did you catch my fancy title and description?  I felt like I was back in English class :-).  If you're wondering why I decided to start this blog please read the "About me" section. It's been nearly 2 1/2 weeks since I found out I have breast cancer. A lot has happened in that time. I have a lot of catching up to do. I'll try to do that in the next week or two and then probably provide updates just here and there.

Many people have asked how I found "The Lump".  I'll start there.

Early October I was out for one of my last outdoor runs before the brutal cold takes over. It was one of those days when you just take everything in, appreciate the world's beauty, and yes...even turn off the iPod. These are the days that I feel especially in tune with my body. And this is the day that I first noticed my lump. It started as tenderness. Then when I got home, in the shower, I did a self-exam. I felt something very small- I wasn't sure if it was anything at all. I ended up making a doctor's appointment. I continued to feel tenderness that week and I knew that the culprit was either my left breast or my heart- which in my case, seemed way more practical. I am by nature an anxiety ridden, over-worked, worrywart.

The outcome of my doctor's appointment became a funny story to tell everyone when we shared our exciting news. "So, little ol' worried Athena goes in thinking she has breast cancer or an onset of a heart attack and finds out she is newly pregnant!". After examining my breast and giving me an EKG my doctor noted The Lump as natural changes in my breast due to pregnancy. I then proceeded to go to my prenatal appointments. My first appointment I told them my funny story about The Lump.

A couple weeks later I noticed my little lump had grown and was hard, the size of a marble. I told the nurse about it and she again said it was part of pregnancy. This happened twice as I watched The Lump grow. It wasn't until mid-December when I laid in bed that I came to the conclusion that I knew my body best and that I needed to get this checked out.  It had grown to the size of a quarter in such a short time. The next day I had an appointment to exam my breast. I spent all of Christmas worrying about my results and when the call came in the Friday after I could barely answer it. Then I heard her say those words...."I'm so sorry".  That's really all I remember.

I'm telling people this because through other stories like mine I've learned that it is very common for breast cancer to be noticed at a later stage in pregnant women due to misdiagnosis and thinking it is a natural part of the pregnancy.  Please remember, don't put all of your trust in your doctors...you know your body best.  Pregnancy Associated Breast Cancer is becoming more common due to women waiting to start a family later in life.  You are not being a "worrywart" if you bring up something that concerns you when you are pregnant, you are being careful.  My Oncologist told me that "I found it in time".  Not early, but in time....due to my persistence.  I'll take that.

Pictures from my fall run